by Felicia Hodges
There probably isn’t an episode of “The Brady Bunch” that Barbara Smithers, 41, hasn’t seen. Long before she was old enough to marry and have children of her own, Carol, Mike, Marcia, Greg, Jan, Peter, Cindy and Bobby gave her what she thought was everything she’d ever need to know about the loving, caring team a blended family could be.
Then she married Bill – a widowed father of 7, 9 and 11-year-old boys – and realized what liars the Brady’s really were.
“Carol Brady was always so upbeat and positive. The kids all called her ‘Mom’ and they ran in the house and hugged her,” she says. “Sure, the boys called me mom, but they would also barely talk at all at times. None of our family problems were solved in a half-hour and I resented the fact that we weren’t them.”
With the U.S. divorce rate hovering around 50%, it has been estimated that half of all Americans will be part of a blended family at some point in their lives, either as parents who remarry, folks whose partners have children from a previous relationship or children who live with one biological parent and a stepparent. We know how “regular” families are supposed to function, but blended families seem to be un-chartered territory for most. Regular families normally don’t have to deal with every-other-weekend visitation schedules, difficult ex-spouses and the “You’re not my mother!” syndrome that families like the Smithers deal with everyday. Does that mean that stepfamilies are doomed to chaos and disorder forever?
“Blended families are not dysfunctional by nature, but they do function differently than do traditional family systems,” says Dr. Larry Katz, a clinical psychologist who specializes in combined household dynamics. “Our old assumptions about the way families should function just don’t apply in many instances [with] blended families.”
Katz says that many of those assumptions develop because very few soon-to-be stepparents think their new family will be anything but happy and healthy. “But successfully blending a family is like navigating a minefield,” he says. “We need new maps to do it without self-destructing.”
So what’s a betrothed parent with children to do to help keep her stepfamily family expectations realistic? According to Gayle Peterson, a family therapist who specializes in family development and stepfamily issues, since head-bumping can occur when expectations differ, it is important to know if you are on the same page before the “I do’s” are exchanged and the family is consolidating furniture and kitchen appliances.
“If the job is too big – don’t sign up for it. Remember, you are the adult and you made the choice to marry a spouse who came with children,” Peterson adds. Talking about the roles that are to be filled once the two families become one – like who will take off from work to stay with a child too sick for school or how laundry and chores will be handled - is one of the best ways to do that, she adds.
And although no stepparent wants to be lumped into the same category as Cinderella’s family, parents who find there isn’t instant love – or even like – for the younger members of the family shouldn’t panic.
“It’s been said that stepfamilies take four to seven years to feel like a ‘real’ family - to get to know each other, create positive relationships and develop a shared history – so give it time,” Katz explains. “If love eventually develops over time, [you’ll] be truly blessed, but that need not be the expectation. There are no ‘shoulds’ about love. You either do or you don’t,” Katz adds.
Equal Treatment
When Venus Rawlings, a 44-year-old accountant married her husband, Mike, five years ago, she says that although she didn’t think Mike did the best job with disciplining his 11-year-old daughter, Cheyenne, it didn’t cause too much conflict between the couple because Cheyenne only visited every other weekend and on alternate holidays. But earlier this year when Mike gained full physical custody of his daughter, Venus says that all that changed for not only the couple, but for her sons, Austan, 20, and Justin, 14, as well.
“Mike tends to let his daughter get away with more than he lets my boys by with,” she says. “I know he is trying hard to help her recover from the instability she had when she was living with her mom, but it often gets out of control.”
They talk – a lot, she says – about how Mike gets upset whenever the boys don’t do a chore right away – like feeding the dog, but says little when Cheyenne forgets to feed the cat. When she points out to Mike how he reacts differently to similar forgotten chores, Mike gets upset and they argue.
“In a stepfamily – or at least in my family – when you bring up an issue, it sometimes seems like a personal attack against either the stepchild or the parent.”
Spouses need to work out issues like these so they don’t keep cropping up over and over again, for both the well-being of the family unit and the couple, Peterson adds, as one fosters unity and the other helps build a solid foundation.
One way to do that, Katz says, is for the couple to present a united front to the children to send the message that “divide and conquer” won’t work. “The other benefit is that it provides a buffer and helps to avoid heat-of-the-moment confrontations,” he said.
Behind closed doors or out of earshot of the children, couples should also try to point to specific behaviors when trying to settle differences. “‘You always favor your daughter’ isn’t helpful, but ‘You let your daughter eat in the living room tonight but didn’t let my son do the same’ is a good starting point,” Katz says. “Our parenting styles are impacted by several variables - everything from our own childhood experiences to current feelings of guilt and grief - so they’re difficult to change. But if we can keep talking about them openly and non-defensively, our joint explorations can actually bring us closer together over time.”
The Ex Factor
Think that the divorce from your child’s other biological parent will keep conflict out of your home? Don’t count on it.
46-year-old Buddy Reynolds, who has lived with his fiancée, Phyllis, and her 13-yr-old son, Xavier, for seven years, says that having bitter biological parents can add a whole other dimension to stepfamily dynamics.
“It’s not just about you and her, its about you, her, the child and him,” he says. “Once that child leaves the other parent’s house, you have to know that there could have been anger, manipulation and jealousy there for them to witness, and you have to deal with the fallout.”
The key to handling an uncooperative other parent is to pick you battles, Katz says. “Control what you can control and let go of what you cannot. Ask yourself if it’s really necessary to address an issue that’s likely to result in craziness or whether you can get your needs and those of your kids’ met without stirring the pot.”
“Undoubtedly, the hardest part about being a stepparent to me is getting the biological parent who doesn’t live in your home to let go and see you as a responsible, caring person and not as the enemy,” Buddy says.
Utopia, stepfamily life isn’t. Re-partnered couples with children have different challenges that first-married couples simply don’t. Understanding that – and figuring out how to work around those challenges – could help even the most frustrated stepparent hold onto his or her sanity.
“Overall, there are good times and rough times,“ Smithers said. “I’m in it for the long haul and if I’m going to be here, I have to be ready for the good and the bad.”
Where to Find Help
Whether it is to vent frustrations or help find others going through similar blended family issues, there is a wealth of support available for stepfamilies including:
The Stepfamily Foundation – Connects stepparents with certified counselors in different areas of the country.
Making Peace Within Your Stepfamily: Surviving and Thriving as Parents and Stepparents by Harold Bloomfield and Step Wars: Overcoming the Peril and Making Peace in Adult Stepfamilies by Grace Gabe and Jean Lipman-Blumen – Both books are available at Amazon.com.
Felicia Hodges is the editor of Tri-County Woman Magazine. This article originally appeared in Family Digest Magazine.
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