by Felicia Hodges
We all know someone who knows someone who has been through a divorce. Add to that the number of people who lose a spouse to illness or accidents and it’s no surprise that there are an awful lot of folks out there who used to be some other person's spouse.
If your Mr. Right had another Mrs. before you came along, some studies estimate that the divorce rates for your union are 70 percent or higher. What can you do to reduce your chances of being on the wrong side of that statistic?
Barbara Kidney, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in New Windsor who specializes in family issues, says that although there are so many different reasons why a person is no longer with his or her former spouse, much of the relationship with the new partner will depend on how well s/he has come to terms with the end of the first marriage.
“It is an emotionally complex issue,” she says, “whether he was divorced or widowed or the relationship ended a year or 10 years ago.”
Dorothy Greenberg (not her real name), a 41-year-old business owner from Newburgh who married her husband, Michael, 16 years ago, says that time was a very important factor for each of them. Having both come through divorces, they dated for a year then lived together for another year before they exchanged rings.
“I don’t think it is a good idea for anybody to go from one house to another,” Dorothy says. “That space in between is important. It gives you a chance to learn to stand on your own two feet.”
Dr. Kidney and Dorothy both say there are things you can do to help keep a second marriage alive and kicking, including:
1. Be Aware of Emotional Pitfalls - Sure, every story has at least two sides, but it is important to know what caused your spouse’s first marriage to fall apart.
“If he hasn’t worked out issues from a previous relationship, it could get bumpy,” Kidney says. “A lot of that unfinished business could find its way into the center of the next relationship because [it wasn’t] dealt with completely.”
2. Monitor the Grief - Loosing a spouse through death is a bit different than formally ending a relationship in divorce court but there’s still the trauma of dealing with a permanent physical absence to contend with.
“Has he completely gone through his grief period? If not, it could be another bit of unfinished business that he – and now the second wife – must deal with,” Dr. Kidney says.
3. Break the Cycle - If your spouse’s first marriage was marred with trust issues and his parents were not very good at dealing with the same, your hubby may not have a clue as to how a strong, solid marriage is supposed to work.
“Neither of us had anything to pull from regarding our own parents,” Dorothy says. “You’ve got to have some kind of plan to get you from point A to point B.”
4. Make Sure You Are on the Same Page - Since many second marriages take place long after a person’s transition into adulthood, most folks are quite set in their ways by the time they walk down the isle again. Although it may not mean much if he neatly squeezes the toothpaste tube from the end and you prefer to squish the middle, it could mean trouble if you are an independent career-minded gal and had more of an Ozzie and Harriet thing in mind.
5. Share Your Dreams - Everyone’s got at least one. There’s no reason why your partner can’t be an active part of yours – even if it means simply cheering from the sidelines.
“If you are...married and you have dreams, you have to factor in how that will affect your whole family,” Dorothy says. “Each spouse should support each other to their full potential, too, because anything that benefits you will definitely benefit your family.”
6. Expect That Pedestal - Want to be treated like the most important thing in your spouse’s life, even if someone else held the distinction before you? Not a thing wrong with that, Dr. Kidney says.
“He must hold you in esteem,” Dorothy adds. “If you don’t feel good about your relationship, you might not feel all that good about yourself. And if you don’t feel good about yourself, nobody else will, either.”
7. Engage in Joint Projects – Sure, you have different interests, but it’s hard to enjoy your spouse if you don’t spend much time doing things together. Dr. Kidney suggests long-term projects like gardening and landscaping or learning a new hobby or sport together as a way to keep the fire that brought you together in the first place burning.
8. Know it Won't Be Perfect - Unto every relationship a little rain must fall. But most times, the trouble spots are necessary as they help the flowers grow.
“I am definitely a romantic at heart, but it is no utopia,” Dorothy says. “Realizing that may be the best tip there is.”
Felicia Hodges is the editor of Tri-County Woman Magazine. This article originally appeared in the March/April 2018 Issue.
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