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The View From Here: Coming Into My Own


by Courtney Allen

My journey started 36 years ago when I took my first breath outside of the womb. This journey, much like others, would take me through the ups, downs, heartaches, pains, wins, loses, and everything that no one can seem to get around in life.
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Courtney Allen
Every year marked a new journey for me, but there was something about part #35 (35 years old). By this time in my life, I had already had my heart broken to no end, graduated college, had my first child, lost my grandmother and a week later lost my mom to an all too aggressive stomach cancer. But 35? Oh - 35 was full of proud moments. 

It started off extremely scary for me. I had major anxiety about turning 35 and felt that life had come so fast. I thought I was going through a mid-life crisis (funny right?). I needed a change, so I decided to dye my hair - but that wasn’t enough for me. I tried new dating apps, because I had been single for what seemed like forever (when in my mind I should have been married). I fell short on everything I thought my life should have been at that time.
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But something woke up during my 35th year. With #35 came the complete resurgence of me and I became comfortable with being single, not knowing exactly what I wanted out of life, and ok with not being where I thought I should.
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I put a plan in action to motivate myself, my life and my outlook on all things to come. I decided to travel more to make myself feel better about my social life and accomplishments. I took a trip to Barbados, paid more attention to my vision board and put work behind that vision, completed a project that I had been working on for seven years, exercised when I wanted to, and began living life to my own standards instead of everyone else’s. Thirty-five was a release from all things that I had held on to - and to baggage that wasn’t mine to keep. I realized that my happiness solely rested upon me.
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I know I made it seem as if there were a big story behind 35, but the truth is there were no major hurdles to jump over because there was nothing weighing me down. Just me living through my fears, conquering them and living my best life one day at a time with the assistance from the best inner me I had to offer.
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Yes, #35 was a good year. 

Courtney Allen is a caseworker, motivational speaker and film producer from Orange County. Her web-based series "At Risk"  which chronicles the lives of five caseworkers, debuted in 2016. This essay originally appeared in the March/April 2018 issue.
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